The Book of Miracles


The Book of Miracles explains how I SEE Music and why I do what I do.

The Book of Miracles is like the creative process itself: always changing, adding, removing, knowing, uncovering.. and then finding out it’s all completely different.

Any Book of Miracles, yours too, is the most unexpected Life of a Tree. When all are sleeping and Pulse is low, the unexpected life of a tree begins. When torches are lit with matches, and they shine their Light over the wooden pages, it’s time to write Music with Th.Ink.

Pages of Music connect generations while growing a cobweb of Thoughts and Ideas: The Work of Art. Maybe one day, the Book of Miracles will be finished, but I have FAITH and think it never will.

The Book of miracles.

Life starts with

an empty book of Firsts


an empty book of Lasts.


happening only once in a lifetime,

would be noted in them,


at the exact same day:

A day of Miracles

But doesn’t everything

happen only once?

The Book of Firsts will note the first breath.

The Book of Lasts will note the first breath,

Because it is the last first breath you breathe.

Because it is the first last breath you breathe.

The Book of Lasts will note the last breath.

The Book of Firsts will note of the last breath,


they are all noted in both Books

At the same date.

At the same time.


they are all noted in both Books

At the same date.

At the same time.

Everything happens only once in a lifetime.

TIME is an illusion.

Every day is

A day of Miracles.

The Book of Firsts&Lasts


The Book of Life


The Book of Miracles

Dimensions of the Universe of Miracles.

I find that a Musical Universe is more-Dimensional. It’s not 3D. SOUND is 3D. MUSIC is 7*7D . Let me explain the Dimensions:

The 0-th Dimension is the Seed of Music

A seed is a promising point in Time, when there is only this one little idea. Music grows, like a rose-garden, and it all starts with a little seed.

Without this first starting point, no Music will ever sound. Every New Beginning starts here. Over and over again.

The necklace of New Beginnings has seeds for #Beads. This necklace of seeds makes a composers’ oeuvre sound recognizable, it’s the series of Seeds that form the plants in ‘the garden of the Soul’ of that Composer.

New Music will grow from the little seeds I’ve taken with me from the previous Journeys. After each Journey I add a Seed to my necklace of New Beginnings.

The 1st Dimension is the SCORE: The route on the MAP of Miracles

A SCORE is a map showing a route, a path, a line, through a Musical Universe. Not being played, a score is just that. It’s showing the line, THE CURVE, we will follow. This route through my musical landscape is a suggestion from the Composer, me, for the Conductor: The guide that will take you on a Musical Tour. The main characters in music.

Only when the Music sounds, the other dimensions come into play. Until then, all we have is a score: a line of notes on a map depicting a route through my Musical Universe.

It’s easier to SEE this, when you imagine a score with one voice, but the same is true for more voices in a score.

The 2nd Dimension is the FORM of the oeuvre: The MAP of Miracles

The FORM of my oeuvre is the Map of Miracles. Considering that every score I write is a possible route through my Musical Universe, My Work of Arts, my oeuvre, all my Music combined from Day one till now, forms the map of my whole Musical Universe: The Map of Miracles.

The Map is actually a filing system, a way to organize my Work of Arts. Organizing is part of any New Beginning: Chaos follows Organizing. It’s an iterating process, you have to come back to the Map again and again.

The Map helps others join this Journey, have one of their own. Listen to new routes that are still to be explored.

The Map of Miracles pictures the composers Musical Universe in 2D. The Map sums up everything that inspires this composer what to write: STORY. The map of Miracles shows me many compositions: routes through landscapes, by characters, to places, feeling emotions. All stories are influencing each other.

The Map of Miracles shows us the what: What can we SEE? Where can we go? Where is the best route? Of course, in Music, you can go from here to everywhere: even uncover the blanks. The Musical Universe is a Universe of Miracles. The score, the route as described by the composer through her Musical Universe, can be drawn on this map.

We will SEE the unexpected, wandering and wondering. Every score will add to and change my oeuvre: The Map of Miracles.

New places on the Map of Miracles will appear after visiting the previous. As Music grows, The Map will grow, alter, falter, color…. As you can understand now: The map of Miracles will change with every new composition: with every new exploration of the map, new routes will open up, new places to go will show.

The 3d Dimension is SPACE

A geographical map shows the road through the landscape on a flat piece of paper, but the physical landscape around you is 3D: The SPACE that is your living environment.

A Musical score is a projection, on a flat piece of paper, of a route through a 3D Musical landscape of SOUND: The SPACE that is your musical environment.

There is much to say about SPACE in MUSIC. I will discuss the SPACE:

  1. That connects all musical souls.
  2. Of the imagined Musical Universe of Miracles.
  3. That SOUND creates in a room.

ad. 1. This is the SPACE that composers experience when they write. It’s a more abstract universe, this SPACE expands into the universe and is endless. This is the SPACE where composers mention ‘souls resonating’. Experiencing this ‘unimaginable’ SPACE is extremely large and intimidating.

ad 2. That’s why I have created a fantasy ‘Universe of Miracles’ within SPACE no. 1. This fantasy brings SPACE no.1 into more human proportions. It makes it easier to decide what to write, improving production. But while seriously writing I still connect with the more abstract musical universe.

The ‘Universe of Miracles’ can’t protect you from the HONEST STRUGGLE it requires to write REAL music, because it is build of all the elements that your subconscious has provided. You can’t hide from yourself while writing HONEST music. The only way to build a coherent oeuvre, is being HONEST. The only way to change your music is to change yourself. There is no other way.

Ad. 3. I think that SOUND creates the SPACE in which it can thrive:

There is dense SOUND, creating small dense SPACE, like piccolo. There is low wide SPACE, like tuba and heavy SOUND. All these SOUNDS are creating a 3D SPACIAL experience of mixing or contrasting sound-clouds that change over TIME: MUSIC.

It’s all WAVES over TIME

Orchestration can make any chord sound ‘warm’ or ‘cold’, but orchestration has a more interesting effect when we take SPACE into account. When we think about SOUND as clouds of sound-colors that will mix, SPACE and it’s density and place become more interesting, sculpting a 3D SOUND world around us.

Composers have the obligation to respect the natural SPACE that instruments create by writing inventive orchestrations that set all SOUNDS free to create their needed SPACE. That means practically write idiomatic for the instrument.

Ad. 4. When we create an extreme contrast in density: Large, dense SPACE followed by a SILENCE, it’s perceived as a WALL. CONTRAST is a beautiful thing to create, especially when there is still color visible in the sound-clouds that express the emotions. When it works, you create a SILENCE where negative music sounds. The SPACE created is still there, but the SOUND is gone. In that moment, you can hear negative music. Sometimes you can hear the soul of HONEST STRUGGLE of the composer in the SILENCE.

SILENCES is an opportunity to listen to the whispers of the Souls.

The withdraw of sound makes the negative Music, the music you hear when SPACE is still there, but SOUND stopped filling that SPACE. In that Moment, it feels that TIME stopped or expanded and in that SPACE. I like to Th.Ink that Souls of people we lost whisper their Music in that moment.

The FORM of MUSIC, can be defined as how Sound develops over TIME, it’s the Musical IDEA projected on a Timeline. the organization of the timeline matters. There are historical forms and all kinds of forms for story in books, on stage. And mathematical forms. you can express all forms in a mathematical way and compose them in music. You have to pick the right form (#Strings) for your musical story.

My musical FORM is made out of a mathematical organized series of numbers combined with an energy-curve based upon the form of the STORY told by the route I explore. (See #Strings)

These two graphs (number-series, dramatic curve) define the path, the line, through my Musical Universe. When done right, this is an emotional journey, when done really well you’ve been in an emotional Rollo-coaster.

The 4th Dimension is TIME

It’s obvious that SPACE only comes into play when there is SOUND over TIME, when the 4th Dimension is also added.

TIME is needed to make it possible for SOUND to create SPACE. There are several ways to think about TIME in Music, but when discussing the what and the how, it’s important to consider that every SOUND has an optimum TIME to create their needed SPACE to thrive in. You can think about it in terms of a harp: When you hit the same string too fast again, no SOUND (nor SPACE) will develop.

Working with a more abstract FORM, the composition, the path, the line, the combination of curves fit exactly over the TIME needed for the Music to Sound. This is why a composition on itself has a certain optimum length of TIME. It needs that to ‘play out’, ‘enroll’ before your eyes and ears.

Time makes it possible to travel a route through a 3D landscape, be it a Musical or Geographical one. But you can’t hurry a journey without it loosing it’s quality. Tempo is needed to travel comfortably, tempo sets the measurable TIME-span.

But, though we can measure how many seconds a piece takes, TIME in Music is an illusion. TIME in Music behaves differently, more elastic, unexpected, sometimes even non-chronological. This makes a composition seem to take a long or a short time, it’s an enchanting effect that is improved wildly by concentration and painstakingly detailed preparation of the musician.

There is one thing that stays unchanged through TIME: You will ALWAYS hear the Soul and the HONEST STRUGGLE of a brutally honest composer. In first works, in last works and in between. In this sense, TIME is also an illusion: all the MUSIC is already there, given that you are an HONEST composer.

Improving music, means to improve one-self. Besides an obvious lack of craftmanship, this means that a composer will learn something with every composition and that experience might change future music.

The 5th Dimension is IMAGINATION

Thanks to the 5th Dimension: Imagination, I can SEE Music and try to write it down. The 5th Dimension helps to know what to write.

The deepest thinking is the most imaginative. Wondering and creating starts here. Any New Beginning, any Genesis, any Big Bang, starts here. WONDER needs the 3D & 4th dimensions, because staring into you imagined SPACE for some TIME makes you WONDER. Wonder feeds continuous Curiosity.

I use my Universe of Miracles to SEE Music in different ways: as a 3D projection of sound-color-clouds or as a landscape in my Universe or as an emotion expressed. To SEE where I can escape towards from this world or confront myself with it. In this musical Universe it’s possible to SEE the unimaginable.

I go to the 5th dimension to explore “everywhere” and to safely come home again. I think, that the things you can’t imagine, see, feel, won’t sound. Only the real heartfelt & imagined sounds deeply Creative in Music.

Imagination helps me survive my ongoing passion to write MUSIC. For me, this imaginative world is a ‘cover up’, a way to be able to travel to difficult emotional experiences, feel them, Listen, hear them, write them and develop myself emotionally.

The 5th Dimension helps me expand my Musical Universe while spending time there and being able to write Music again and again.

For example, when it’s my goal to learn how to smash WAVES against WALLS, so the WAVES will have an open end where they hit the WALL and will plash into twice it’s size. I imagine sitting on an embankment and view the waves hitting the dike and SEE how these WAVES could hit the WALLS. This is the strength of the 5th Dimension.

The 6th Dimension is the SOUL

The Soul of a Composer, it’s heartfelt honest struggles, is what makes Music personal and recognizable. I find the 6th Dimension of utmost importance.

Seeds can be added to the necklace, but the Music will still be recognizable as ‘mine’. Only deep personal experiences can change the Soul and thus the MUSIC. Besides life itself with all its Darkness and Light, being a brutally honest composer does this. Every composition the Soul of the composer changes a little, the Musical Universe changes a little, the Map of Miracles changes a little, MUSIC changes a little.

It is debatable whether a Soul can change and become more beautiful while writing brutally honest MUSIC. I feel that is does, I do change while writing MUSIC. The other side of this idea is, that the only way to improve Music, is to improve one-self. Which is a most difficult thing to do.

It’s inevitable, when you are a real composer and you are free to express yourself, that the horrors of life will change your Music forever. But so will LOVE. The healing power of Music itself cares for vulnerable sides of your Soul. But once you have found Horror or LOVE, there is no way back. Your MUSIC changed forever.

I call Music that sounds in SILENCES: The whispers of the Souls of past, present and future. Because I like to remind myself of the people that are no longer with me.

While writing Music, we also touch upon the Souls of others, musicians, listeners, Souls we lost on our way. We are sharing emotions with Souls we have not met, yet. You will always hear a troubled Soul when there is one: Either the troubled self or the lying about it. I don’t think you can separate the Music from the composer, they are one. But you can dislike the composer and like the music. It’s not a black-white world out there. You have to color the contrast.

MUSIC is the projection of your Soul onto a Musical Universe.

The 7th Dimension is FAITH

We all know the difference between something alive and something dead. It’s this difference that is the 7th Dimension. I think that MUSIC can touch upon that feeling of ‘creating something alive’. Music gives us a creative power that feels magical, enchanting, almost divine. I think that is thanks to it’s abstract character, compared to the other Arts we have around.

The 7th Dimension is the answer to the ‘why’: Why is Music so beautiful? This question started my musical journey. I looked for beauty in instruments, conducting, composers, halls, people. But in the end, it all came down to FAITH. To have Faith in the unimaginable, the good ending, people, animals, a purpose, in new beginnings. To believe that the Music will find you. That you will start and finish this piece. To have Faith in yourself even.

For me, Music is a-political, a-religious and a-sexual. When you leave those things out, the Music that stays will be the most valuable. Because it expresses non-changing values and struggles of humanity.

The 7th Dimension is that, that cannot be named. To touch upon “all that, that cannot be named”, that makes MUSIC become alive.

Without FAITH there would be no New Beginnings. Without FAITH, the other Dimensions would not exist. Because you wouldn’t start writing.

Some composers feel that MUSIC flows through them and the only thing they do is write it down the best way possible. I am one of those, I call that TALENT. Talent is a GIFT that you have to work on, using all Dimensions to get it right. When you got this TALENT, you have to try to make MUSIC that pronounces the unspeakable.

But the source of Music, the flow of creation, is FAITH. Not Talent. To write BEAUTIFUL MUSIC, the only thing you have to do is have FAITH that the MUSIC will come to you.

You will never Know when Music finds you, but you have to keep Faith, believe that it will.

There is a lot to say about Faith and believing and a lot of people connect that to religion. But I do not. I’m happy to not know and still have faith that it will be all-right.

I surrendered to ‘not knowing’ instead of filling that hole in my knowledge with a believe system. I find that more satisfying, because religion might give me that idea that I know what can’t be known in this moment. Admitting that I will never know it all, prevents that.

And when I think to know it all, I always discover that I don’t and start all over again.

A composer over-estimates, over-values possibilities. A composer invests in futures that don’t exist. And still has FAITH in the outcome. In life. In people.

The 2*7 Dimension of Music is Pulse

There is Music in everything, because everything has a Pulse. Pulse is something personal, that’s inside, how your body feels. Jumpy or relaxed, hurried of the bliss of just being. At first you start with the idea that Form is the pulse, but it’s not that. Or that rhythm and meter are pulse. But it’s none of those. Pulse is what makes a heartbeat, it’s alive, it’s the Flow.

When you are in a Creative Flow, there is always a particular Pulse with you, keeping that Creative pace.

I don’t know whether a particular piece or a particular composer has it’s own Pulse. I have to experiment to find out.

The 3*7th Dimension of Music HARMONY.

But HARMONY is the more astounding Dimension of Music. It’s the most obvious things that can take us by surprise. Harmony is about the harmony within the music as well as between the people performing.

When the Musicians aren’t in Harmony. You can write HARMONY but it won’t Sound. Only when an orchestra is one organism, the Music will sound harmonious. People that have troubled souls, that don’t Listen to others, that are lying a little about how they are, won’t sound Harmonious.

The ultimate 7*7th Dimension is Integrity.

INTEGRITY is the ultimate 7*7th Dimension of my Musical Universe. If a Composer is true to the SOUL, a Work of Art, that cobweb of ideas and thoughts, will always show INTEGRITY and resonate Harmoniously.

INTEGRITY only happens while being completely honest with everything, otherwise, there will never be a moment that one can fail ones talent and craft and unconsciously stay in the process of creating. The “How did I do that?” moment can only happen within INTEGRITY.

The problem with the 7*7th Dimension, is that you can’t lie anymore to the people you work with, nor to yourself. It lays everything bare, because it won’t be around when you lie just a little bit. Lying takes so much brain-space, that genius can’t happen.

It also doesn’t happen when you can’t be yourself while writing, when you have others ‘looking’ over your shoulder or to live up to or cultural ideas you don’t agree with must be part of your work.

Musicians/Conductors who Listen and HEAR even the faintest Whispers contribute to performing the Integrity within a Piece.

The 7*7th is also the Dimension in which people can achieve INTEGRITY together, without being together in Time nor Space.

Genius only happens within INTEGRITY. 

Working from utter and complete INTEGRITY helps fail Talent & Craft and be genius. If you want to teach creativity, you have to teach how to fail talent and craft. There is no room for perfectionism in a Creative proces, you have to fail to be genius.

Is genius perfection?

That doesn’t mean you can’t strive for Perfection, as in: trying to make what you Imagine as good as you can. Perfection doesn’t have to do with people, it has to do with the set goal, you have to set a precise goal to make it Perfect. In Music, it’s probably recreating Nature, what is already perfect, rather then a cultural construct made by huamns and ruled by humans.

Unhealthy perfectionism leads to weeding out people, creative institutions weeding out the people. That’s not what Music is here for. It to join people, not to set people aside. INTEGRITY is also meant for the joined experience with an audience.

Genius has never been understood well: genius isn’t about one person expressing her-/himself, it’s about creating what we all share. This means that your music becomes so personal, it becomes Universal: It resonates with all Souls, with all human beings.

Composers who HEAR the Music that’s already out there waiting to be written down, are blessed with a Talent for Integrity. Because they perceive a composition as a whole from the start.

When you are blessed with a Talent for INTEGRITY, and/or obtained that talent the hard way, you can Listen to the PULSE of others, HEAR what brings them to Life. You can take them on a Journey through all the Dimensions of their Musical Universe by simply having FAITH that their Journey will be GREAT;

But before you do, IMAGINE how hard it must be to:

SEE a blanc paper, instead of Music, first.

See notes behind bars, not FORM.

HEAR only after you wrote the notes.

Measure TIME with a metronome.

Paint Music, mix SOUND colors, blindfolded.


Only see the SCORE, not the Music.

Not IMAGINE first what seeds could also FORM.

Work your way backwards from an expected result, rather then be in the creative process and enjoy any outcome.

Feel lonely for the wrong reasons. Always together apart, never apart together.

Do I FEAR the power of INTEGRITY?

To HEAR Darkness, to recreate Darkness and stand within that? To be the writer and the reader? To hear Schubert share his most personal thoughts and feelings? That moment of complete INTEGRITY, when Silence takes control of all the audience members? When you made the WAVES make the MUSIC?

Oh yes! INTEGRITY can be overwhelming, mesmerizing, emotional. It can get out of control, I call that my wild black horse. When things have to change around me to go to the next phase of Creativity, this is the moment you do something nobody expected. You test people around you to see whether they are still truthful to your work and person. You decide to change everything, have a big vision of a new future you might create.

The price is that you get a wild black horse with you on your Journey. Unpredictable, feeling, intuitively where to go.

This is the moment non-creative people will call you unpredictable. But from your own perspective, it was the only thing right to do. Be decisive in those moments, decide what you think is right for your Music. for your Pulse. for your Imagination. Have Faith that all will be right. and start again. From scratch, with nothing but sand in the wind.

Do I LOVE & fear the power of INTEGRITY?

Oh Yes! Not many people dare go to the 7*7th Dimension and create genius. There is a price to pay for creating MUSIC. This is why many composers prefer not to HEAR, not to to accept the blessing of their Talent. Those people don’t dare go here: 7*7D.

But remember, there is always a ransacked song sparrow for you out there who you can ask for help.

What is Music?

This child, it floats on air.

It touches not the earth with its feet.

It knows no law of gravitation.

It is wellnigh incorporeal.

Its material is transparent.

It is sonorous air.

It is almost Nature herself.

It is free.

But freedom is something that mankind have

never wholly comprehended,

never realized to the full.

They can neither recognize nor acknowledge it.

They disavow the mission of this child;

they hang weights upon it.

This buoyant creature must walk decently,

like anybody else.

It may scarcely be allowed to leap

when it were its joy to follow

the line of the rainbow,

and to break sunbeams with the clouds.

Music was born free;

and to win freedom is its destiny.

It will become the most complete

of all reflexes of Nature

by reason of its

untrammeled immateriality.

(Busoni, 1900)

You opened the box of Pandora?

And unleashed

the infinite fire


a Composer?

“A composer that




A composer that

invests in futures

that don’t exist?

Then, remember princess Insomnia:

“There are enough practical inventions

that give us no consolation,

but far too few comforting ones

that have none practical use at all.”

How science helps create a consistent fantasy and improves Music.

In our Universe, the universe of people, we discover our world by thinking logically. We live with Science: deep thinking rationally provides explanations. What the ratio cannot explain, we believe to be true. The human world makes more sense, the better we can explain it scientifically. But sometimes, science confuses us, because we cannot imagine it: We cannot SEE it, before we try to write it down.

Sometimes, lack of imagination frustrates Science.

In the Universe of Miracles, however, everything starts with imagination, SEE-ing the phantasy. It starts with explaining rationally, what we have to believe. But, in our imaginative world the rules of internal scientific logic also have to apply:

A fantasy world without internal logic ends with the map of Chaos. The map of chaos would picture simply what happens in our normal random lives. But normal life isn’t art, as chaos isn’t art.

Sometimes, Science frustrates Imagination.

In an artificial world, the internal logic of Science helps us imagine the most credible incredible worlds, even a Universe of Miracles. The rules found, the internal logic, will tell you what NOT to write. Which is a most helpful tool.

Overall, I’m convinced that the scientific way of developing new thinking, also applies to composing Music. A series of hypothesis and experiments never frustrates creativity. On the contrary, it helps compositions teach us, composers, how to improve, develop, invent and restart.

On top of that, we can use the elegance of Mathematics as a source of inspiration for FORM. Science is at the roots of the ‘How to write Music’ as well as the ‘What Music to write’. Math helps us calculate the FORM of the rose gate, that will support the roses that inspire me to write their music.

PITFALLS of a Composer: Marble, Clay, Sand, Dust.

Marble: Fame and Vanity

After introducing and explaining a little people recognized me during the break. I had changed status within the group, people were coming to me telling me they liked the piece. But more often, being a little shy, looking at me but not engaging in a conversation: I was the conversation. I had impressed them. The force that wants you people to like you, might get in the way of writing new exciting work.

Dust: Exposure to yourself.

When you take the time to let the Dust settle, you can Make Music that is so personal, it becomes Universal. You will HEAR when the Music is finished

The composer renders service to music

without expecting any return.

What he takes from life

he restores to art with a modesty

which is almost selfless.

In art the struggle is more often

against oneself alone and

victories so achieved

are perhaps the finest.

By a curious irony, however,

we are afraid of a victory over ourselves,

and it seems preferable to be

quietly merged in the public or

to imitate our friends,

which amounts to the same thing.


We are all apprentices in a craft

where no one ever

becomes a master.

You must be prepared to work

always without applause.


Clay: Brutal Honesty

As a composer, I can relate to the lessons learned by drag queens: only when I am writing an honest, true composition, people remember and appreciate it. Even when it is not very well crafted, or not following any harmonic rules. As long as you’re telling a true story, right from the heart, nobody cares.

So, to be a good composer, I have to be myself in most brutally honest way possible.

Expressing vulnerability in music is an HONEST STRUGGLE. Writing MUSIC can painful, sometimes you live all the emotions, everything forgotten by mankind, but still resonating in the Musical Universe.

Only a Ransacked Song Sparrow.

I was exploring Darkness and wondered:

What is Darkness with a capital ‘D’?


I tried to SEE the Musical CONTRAST between:

The Light of Solomon Song of Songs


The Darkness of the book Job.

I tried to SEE the Musical DELIGHT of Solomon.

In that moment, I saw complete sparkling light.


In that moment, I understood that:

‘Tears must be shed’

‘Innocence is unaware of Darkness’

‘Angels look out for us’


In that moment, I understood that:

‘This is the HONEST STRUGGLE.’

I tried to SEE the Musical LAMENT of Job.

In that moment, I saw complete black darkness.


In that moment, I understood that:

‘Tears must be shed’

‘You die a little writing MUSIC.’

‘Music needs Blood’


In that moment, I understood that:

‘This is the HONEST STRUGGLE.’

You are exploring Darkness and wonder:

What is Darkness with a capital ‘D’?

I tell you:

Only a ransacked Song Sparrow knows.

And when you want to go all the way through Darkness,

find a ransacked Song Sparrow,

Only a ransacked Song Sparrow can have your back.

Sand: Loneliness and Vulnerability

It is difficult the reflect on vulnerability. We live in an environment where we tell mostly stories about heroes, you better battle and survive. There is only little attention and understanding for stories of vulnerability. But those are the stories we all know by experience: The randomness of disease, the risk of loneliness, loosing loved ones to divorce or even death:

Life can crumble in your hand,

leaving you with nothing

but sand in the wind.

The best people posses

a feeling for beauty,

the courage to take risks,

the discipline to tell the truth,

the capacity for sacrifice.

Ironically, their virtues makes them


they are often wounded,

sometimes destroyed.


Dust: Exposure to yourself

When the dust settles, there is no place to hide.

Composers and a drag queens have to show themselves. There is no place to hide. Not during composing, nor during the performance: I hear ‘me’ while composing and everybody hears ‘me’ during the performance. I find a performance an overwhelming experience. My own stories and emotions are amplified by 80 orchestra members and my emotions surround myself vibrating in the air.

As I said, from beginning to end, there is no place to hide.

For a long time, I didn’t understand what I was in music, until that day that I started to write music and after 6 months there was this 6 minutes long composition for wind-orchestra. I had no idea where all the music came from, it felt so effortlessly.

When the Dust settled, I good SEE the Music and knew I was a Composer.

I write a lot of lullaby’s, to comfort myself after writing Real Music. The feeling of vulnerability requires music that eases me, when I go to sleep, music that comforts me when I feel lonely and not understood.

Where Music comes from?

TIME is an illusion in Music.

Teddy is music

No normal rules apply:

You can only write the music,

that you have forgotten.


What we forgot

defines to a greater extend

who we are,

than what we remember.

The Whispers of the Souls we lost

Composers have the responsibility to care for all Souls resonating with their Music in the best possible way.

A SILENCE is the opportunity to listen to the whisper of your heart.

Let’s get into that, it’s such

a comforting thought

for tough days

of loss and sorrow:

We can look up into the sky and

see the stardust we are made of. 

When people die, they will return into stardust again,

But their Souls stay with us, forever.

They are not lost.

Those Souls will still project

onto Musical Universe and let their Music sound. 

Those Souls can still resonate

with the Music of our Souls

projecting onto the Musical Universe together.


A mother will always

sound in our music.

And her Soul will feel our music

resonating with hers. 

We can trust she will hear us,

that she resonates with our Music,

as we do with hers, 

she will hear in heaven. 

TIME: Teddy is Music

The only way for Teddy to change,

would be for peoples Souls to change.

I could even speak of ‘eternal Teddy’.

Teddy is an ‘Atimal’ experience

made out of cloth

It’s one of the few things that can accompany you

through your whole life,

that you believe not to change.

It’s always the same reflection of

your own unchanging soul,

though you see the exterior changing.

Teddy is Music in the sense that:

“Teddy” is a projection of a soul onto a THING, a Piece of cloth;

“A Composition” is a projection of my soul onto an IDEA: Music.

“My composition” is a projection of my Soul onto the Musical Universe.

The Soul of a Mathematical Gardener

Music is the projection of my Soul onto the IDEA of a Musical Universe. My Music will only change when my SOUL changes. Being in an Honest Struggle, my Soul is changing.

Were you always completely true to your heart, never lied, your Music will always be the same. Or when you don’t write from a personal perspective. It might stay the same unwanted.

When my true Soul never changes, and I can’t be untrue to my heart, nor compromise, my Music will never change.

But I Th.Ink you can learn, have Music heal you a little, Music can help you express your Darkness in a way that lifts you up.

Only when I peel a layer from the union to get closer to my own truth, my music changes.

I have been trying to be nice to my teacher. I wanted to learn so bad how he made his oeuvre, that I bowed to some of his values. And that was wrong of me. Only when I wrote a piece that stood against his behavior the Music started to sound much better. Because now I truly wrote what I thought would be best to say ot some-one who was now in a wheel-chair forever. You can’t just cheer some-one up and then leave. Not walking means loss, means grieve=ing. I wrote the grieve, and the teahcer loved it. But he instead cheerd that person up and left. which is nice and kind, but dishonest, becase it denied the other to grieve. I was denied to grieve for my own loseses. I wasn’t allowed to write about the war trauma in my familiy. I had to think of veterans as hearos. I think that world is more complicated than these simple ‘truths. Ónly when I stood up against him, my work improved dramatically. And he responded by excommunicating me. I expected that, because this was black horse going wild. Now I have come closer to my own STORY. Music will change, probably. We will Hear.

what I don’t like is the idea that music comes from God, because that suggests you can’t critique it, nor improve it. you cannot say anything about it, without touching the religious feelings of the composer. I think people invet that to protect themselves from harsh criticue as well as ‘no idea where that came from’.

It’s hard ot think this through really well, but I prefer the sicentific approach for now. It’s productive, wondering, expanding upon all kinds of ideas.

Using God as an idea might get us into dogma. And remember the 60’s, the wild horses of the 60’s. I hate the sound of it, It makes the composer something devine, being right, being some truth, or just some kind of vessel without any selfworth thatn being summoned to transmit the devine Music.

I like the idea of Music being already there, though, because it makes life a lot easier. I also like the idea of Faith in Music.

Therefore, each composition, will be written by me “then, now and someday” at the same time. This is not true any-more. Because it won’t let you have the Music teach you about life. It suggests that you are a perfect person from the start. Which nobody is, well maybe as a baby.

That’s why I am already there.

Why TIME is an illusion. for peoplewho think found the truth. For people with dogma’s, who won’t change. Or people who were so honst being themselves from the start, they wrote themselves from the beginning. their STORY from the beginning.

It’s not only in Music itself that TIME is elastic; TIME is also of no importance at all in the process writing music. Every New Beginning will always be the same.

Unless you change your SOUL.

It’s useless to speak of improvement of Real Music, unless you let the Music Teach you how to improve your Soul. This is why I have to be sure I’m trying to be honest.

Take in all the different ways of thinking, be open to all kinds of ideas, study them. Be really smart and use scientific means to improve ideas.

You have to be proud of every single piece of Music produced, especially the New Beginnings. You will HEAR whether you changed or stayed the same.

But probably, you will sound the way you sound and that is perfect.

This is how the HONEST STRUGGLE leads to a consistent WOA. There will be INTEGRITY from the seeds that grow into a Garden.

Think like a scientist.

Let’s do the Math:

There is only ONE moment to capture

that one incredible set of variables.”

It’s true:

Actively choosing that writing-moment

at which the ‘notes will fall on the paper’

will influence

how ‘the notes fall’ onto the paper.


The “me: Now (t=1)” planning that writing-moment for “me: Someday”

is different from

the “me: Now (t=2)” writing that moment, remembering the “me: then”.

That writing-moment defines the “me: Now (t=x)” during writing, in the equation:

My Soul = “Me: Then & Now(t=x) & Someday”

(Let’s assume only a changing “me: Now(t=x)” to proof the point elegantly.)

When Music is the projection of the Soul onto the Musical Universe.


the Soul on t=1 is the same as on t=2,

The notes will fall exactly the same onto the paper.

But the Soul is NOT: IDIC.

every writing-moment, the “me: Now (t=x)”  is different and thus: Music changed. 

Every moment the notes will fall differently onto the paper,

there will be a different score written,

because “me: now (t=1)” differs from “me: now(t=2)”

The Soul at that writing-moment defines both the Music and (the addition to) the WOA (Work Of Arts).

And that is why you can’t plan a score, a WOA,

nor plan an improvement of your work. 

The only thing you can plan and control, is that writing-moment.

When you stay true to yourself,

the me(t=1) being almost the same as the me(t=2).

a coherent WOA will emerge.

The only way to improve Music is

to improve the Soul by improving “me: now(t=1)” into a better “me: now(t=2)”. 

When ‘life’ happens and you have to take the blows,

The music changes in a direction that depends on ‘what you do with that’. 

When you improve yourself,

are able to give it a positive spin somehow, 

Music will improve, deepen, broaden, 

there will be a development

of a still rather coherent WOA.

It will still sound like ‘you’,

but it’s you dealing with stuff.

When you get sick, jealous and frustrated,

Music will let you know,

you will hear that in your music. 

“You find yourself by losing yourself. That too is in this Music.”

When you don’t know who you are,

The music will be very different every time,

until you dare find yourself. 

The only way to find yourself is let Music take over,

“you press the keys you like”

and MUSIC will show you what you sound like. 

Then you listen to that without judgement,

you will hear the projection of your Soul onto the Musical Universe. 

The WOA will be coherent, always. There is no planning of Music, it’s ALREADY THERE.


All STORY can be told in Absolute Music

Good STORY has good CONTRAST: which sounds GREAT, when INTEGRITY is respected.

A big CONTRAST, means

Waves Hitting Walls, means

a big change in ORCHESTRATION, means

a big change in SPACE, means

that the FORM must provide enough TIME for that SPACE to emerge, where that particular SOUND-COLOR thrives in.

The scientist versus the artist

Scientific approach:

Using a scientific wondering and researching approach that keeps you going.

To Be a Composer means to be a musician, a conductor, a teacher, a composer and instrument-maker.

Artistic approach:

I think a Composer is mostly a Listener. The Composer is the audience of a Composition to be written. Compositions are there to Teach the composer, while Listening. Then, now and some-day.


Creativity is a process of repetitive failure of Talent and Craft.

At the same time, there is no such thing as a repetition: TIME changed, you Listened. Only parrots can repeat.

Creativity is a process of iteration of chaos and order.

Knowing what NOT to write is most important.

Chaos is the FORM of a new beginning:

A new beginning looks like a necklace made by a creative happy child, exploring, choosing the most colorful pearls. The whole idea of growing as an artist is to go back to that colorful, challenging ‘necklace’ again and again…and again…adding pearls, taking it down, gluing glitter, painting them like mushrooms or unicorns.

And be happy with all results.

A new beginning isn’t just one perfect idea, it’s a storm of ideas and they all come at the same time. Like pearls in a jar you spread out on a table.

When Music comes to you naturally, it’s not possible to critique it while writing. It’s a useless practice. It’s better to set a FORM and let the Music flow through the structure.

Be practical and set boundaries needed for your performing group. Boundaries make creative. The MUSIC is still the same.

TIME changes everything:

Music is being judged by standards, ask yourself, whether these standards are important to propel MUSIC or are boundaries set by ‘common fashion’. The standards change over TIME, so it’s a useless practice to compose according to ‘standards’.

Remember that every person will experience the Music differently every minute is the day: IDIC. As you will write every score of the same Music differently every minute of the day.


A repetition can also be a spiral: A repetition with a direction. The idea of coming back to the beginning. How to Envision that? Converge? A Big Bang or a Big Crunch? Spiral in or Spiral out? Is there a point of Musical Truth or a scattering experience?

The snake biting it’s own tail.

I can make it a circle: I can write the Story of the black cat and the little owl, who are searching for ‘what makes Music so beautiful?’ I can write all the lessons and the things we uncovered in this STORY and make it a story of development of myself. From how I started with the questions ‘what makes Music so beautiful?’ Till the 7*7th DImension INTEGRITY.

That one piece that promised me future for music, hope, faith. And how I ended up, finding faith the 7th Dimension as the key towards starting the circle again, with a little DNA, starting a new composition and ending at the 7*7th Dimension INTEGRITY.

And walk with the characters through my Universe of Miracles, uncovering truths and find the answer to their quests in all Dimension. Meeting all the characters, paths, locations, a startling journey. Meeting characters that should be united, but are separate. Sitting at the chairs, looking at the empty ones.

I think that owly could be a philosophical theoretical figure, who thinks a lot about the why and the cat could be about the how and the what.

This way, there would be a Real book of Miracles, that would be the theory and my story in one. That would reveal how fantasy works, by showing it in a story.

The key to success is to find how it all fits in each other, how the circle fits into the circle, how the STORY is strengthened by the explanations of owly, the locations and characters, the theory, the items, the tour de force, the journey and what they find in the end.

I think the cat and the owl will be more grown up in the end? Or not? Was the cat already the composer? If so, the Music will be the same at the end of the story. Which will demonstrate in itself the idea that an honest composer will always sound like herself.